The Fantastic 3: Captain Blago, Geraldo and DJ Hughley

Sorry I’m posting so late but I was at the track checking out a hot new Philly who’s may pay nice in the fifth race on Thursday (no Patti, an actual horse, not a woman).

Phew. What a whirlwind past two days. New York is great. Thank you New Yorkers! Although, I must say, your governor is a fucking idiot. I mean Jesus Christ. This guy couldn’t make a fucking decision if you paid him (no pun intended). What a flip-flopper. At least with me, you know what your getting.

Anyway, I’m gonna make this short cause I’ve decided to show up to my impeachment hearing tomorrow since I haven’t heard back on my Scarlet B offer. I’m thinking of bringing my two biggest fans, DJ Hugley and Geraldo. I haven’t told them yet, but I’m thinking of letting them wear the Scarlet B’s as well (once someone wins the contest). If we can just add one more person, hopefully an Asian (how do you think I was elected by 12 million people you dumb fucks) we can be like the Fantastic 4.

I’m tired, gotta go to bed, but remind me to tell you more about DJ tomorrow. Incidentally, I’m not sure if my PR firm is really worth the money. Any thoughts?

CAN I GET A WINTESS (Part 4)

Now that I think about it, if you want to “win” the B costume contest, try to design it in the mold of a superhero because let’s face it, at the very least, I’m fucking Batman.

Time for me to go to sleep now. Big day tomorrow. However, before I go to bed there are two other things I want to address:

Whoopi Goldberg said I should get affidavits to support my defense in the impeachment trial. What she doesn’t understand is that affidavits are of limited value due to the inability for the opposition to cross examine the affiant.

I claim that the impeachment process is unfair, and denies me constitutional due-process. Senator Matt Murphy of Illinois stated, on Good Morning America, that my claim was “the most ludicrous, self serving statement” that he’s ever heard in his whole life. Well, I’ll be. You know what, I’ve got a “statement” for Senator Murphy: BLOW ME, MURPH DOG!

Good night, and God Bless America.
-Captain B, The “B” is for Bad Ass (or Batman, or Captain Blago, whatever you prefer)

CAN I GET A WITNESS? (Part 3)

This is such fucking bullshit. The Illinois senators are claiming that I breached the public trust. Seriously, how hypocritical. All of us (me, R.I., O-Dubs, B-Rock, JJ Two) all know that the public thinks that we (with the exclusion of one person who I’ll refer to as HARPO) are all completely dirty fucks. I mean, the charges that I “conspired” to commit “fraud” and/or “solicit bribes” are so out of control. Even if I did conspire to do those things, the Feds blew their loads too quick to catch me. Cowboys those Feds, total fucking cowboys who are now out to try and lynch me with the noose of public opinion. Where’s the noose of justice? (I have no fucking idea what that means – but I know the 12 million fuckers of Illinois who voted for me probably know.)

Anyway, at Patti’s and her father’s request (a/k/a extortion) I’ve reached a compromise and am going to make a settlement offer to the state of Illinois tomorrow. Although the legal mumbo jumbo will need to be worked out between my lawyers and their lawyers, here is the gist of it:

I will agree to serve out my term for the people of Illinois and will not seek re-election provided that, after my term, I get a cushy government job making at least $150,000, a minimum work requirement of 15 hours a week, and a security detail to keep the G-Men from watching my every move.

During the remainder of my term, as a “punishment” if you will, I agree, in the spirit of Nathaniel Hawthorne, to wear a “Scarlet B” either around my neck or on the front of any shirt or jacket I’m wearing. Honestly, I don’t mind it. While some might think the B stands for Bad Boy, or Banished, and will be a source of humiliation for me and my family, I see it a totally different way. And, for this reason, as a condition of wearing the B, I am allowed to pay my PR Firm to design (on a work-for-hire basis only) a special costume and line of clothing that I wear, which I will have the exclusive rights to exploit. Of course, the PR Firm seems to be getting a little antsy that my money is gonna be spent on my defense in my criminal case. If they back out, then I reserve the right to hold a contest and have the people (yeah one of the 12 million fucking people of Illinois who voted for me as their two term governor) to design a special B costume for me to wear. Actually, now that I think about it, fuck the PR Firm. As of right now, I’m holding a contest. If any of you want to design my special “B” costume, please submit it to me on-line. The chosen winner will receive $100.

CAN I GET A WITNESS? (Part 2)

It must be Patti’s time of the month this week. Clearly, she’s a little pissed at me. I guess her point is that I’ve already put the family through so much shit, why should I suggest that her father was somehow less than ethical. Something about at least our little ones could have someone to look up to. Hah, if it wasn’t for my good guidance they’d be picketing to raise taxes and privatize health care.

Anyway, back to my performance. As soon as Patti quits flowin’ this week she’ll see the light. She’ll probably regret that she didn’t come on The View with me. Oh shit, she’s back again. She’s saying, for the sake of our family, I need to end this right now. Figure out a way to stop the impeachment trial. Otherwise, her and her father are going to spread a rumor that I wear a rug. Totally not true. But look, I can’t risk that kind of bad publicity. What politician could? I promised her I’d think about it. Off to think . . .

CAN I GET A WITNESS? (Part 1)

Wow. I just finished watching the tape of my appearances on The View and Good Morning America. I gotta say, I fucking rock. I mean really, I’m a total stud. I gotta admit, it was so smart to get that PR firm to represent me instead of defending myself at the impeachment hearing. The only thing that I’m disappointed about is that Elizabeth couldn’t be there on The View. I would have loved to have gone back and forth with that little conservative bitch.

Anyhoo, I’m guessing that by now you’ve heard what I “allegedly” said on tape, in my own private, sanctified home, during calls which I had no idea were being listened to by the fucking Feds. According to those “taped conversations”, I was quoted as saying the following:

I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden. I’m just not giving it up for fucking nothing…

Oh shit. Patti’s yelling at me from the other room. Something about how dare I drag her father through the ringer claiming that he’s pissed at me because I accused him of being a “dirty fuck” (her words – not mine), on national television. I said nothing of the sort. Here is the truth. In 2005, Patti’s daddy (“fuck-face” as I refer to him in the sanctity of my home in my private conversations) was an Alderman. He owned a land fill which the Illinois EPA thought was being run illegally. I shut the thing down. When I threatened to sue him, he backed the fuck off, pussy that he is. He had to clean up the dump. And, fact is, I was right, and fuck face (I mean “Dad”) was wrong. Honestly, I was just stating the facts of what happened in 2005. Sorry Patti.

Blagojevich: Calm Before the Storm

So, if you haven’t already heard, I go to trial on Monday. Still not exactly sure why “the man” thinks I’m a criminal. I mean, really, if you listen to the transcripts and replace “mother fucker” with “distinguished politician”, and replaced “fuckin” with “precious” nothing I did would seem that bad. More on that later.

Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for all your support. I know you are all behind me 100% of the way and that in the end, through your prayers and wishes I’ll make it through this, with a book deal to boot. You guys are the best.

So, I’m not sure how you reached my page. It’s possible you arrived here via a link on my website, www.saveblagojevich.com.

Well, its not actually my website, I created it for the people, for the 11 fucking million people who elected me, that’s right, mother fucking me, The Blago Man, Captain Blago, as the mother fuckin’ governor of the State of Illinois. Like I said, I did it for the people.

But, I think each and every single one of their sorry asses would agree that I should be allowed to sell the domain name to the highest dumb-fuck bidder who thinks they could do a better job with site. That way, I can use the cash to finance my defense, or pay off a few jurors, whichever is easier.

I gotta go now. Big appearance on The View tomorrow. Good night, and God Bless America!

Blagojevich Press Conference 12/19/08

BLAGOJEVICH: "OK. Thank you very much.

I'm here to tell you right off the bat that I am not guilty of any criminal wrongdoing, that I intend to stay on the job, and I will fight this thing every step of the way.

I will fight. I will fight. I will fight until I take my last breath.

I have done nothing wrong, and I'm not going to quit a job the people hired me to do because of false accusations and a political lynch mob.

Now, that's what I'm going to do. Let me tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to do what my accusers and political enemies have been doing, and that is talk about this case in 30-second sound bites on "Meet the Press" or on the TV news.

Now, I'm dying to answer these charges. I am dying to show you how innocent I am. And I want to assure everyone who's here, and everyone who's listening, that I intend to answer every allegation that comes my way.

However, I intend to answer them in the appropriate forum -- in a court of law. And when I do, I am absolutely certain that I will be vindicated.

Rudyard Kipling wrote, If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you; if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you and make allowance for their doubting, too; if you can wait and not be tired by waiting; or being lied about, don't deal in lies; or being hated, don't give way to hating.

Now, I know there are some powerful forces arrayed against me. It's kind of lonely right now.

But I have on my side the most powerful ally there is, and it's the truth.

And besides, I have the personal knowledge that I have not done anything wrong.

To the people of Illinois, I ask that they wait and be patient, sit back and take a deep breath, and please reserve judgment. Afford me the same rights that you and your children have. The presumption of innocence. The right to defend yourself. The right to your day in court. The same rights that you would expect for yourselves.

And one last thing: To all of those -- to those of you who have expressed your support to Patti and me during this difficult time, I'd like to thank you for your thoughts; I'd like to thank you for your prayers; and I'd like to thank you for your good wishes.

Patti and I cannot express to you how grateful we are for your kindness.

Merry Christmas. Happy holidays."

MY BLOG ABOUT POLITICS, GRAFT AND FUCKING HYPOCRITES

WELL WELL WELL. HERE WE ARE. TWO DAYS AWAY FROM TRIAL. I HAVE TO GO TO A PARTY TONIGHT (HELL YEAH !!!) SO I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TODAY TO BE ABLE TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON WITH ME AND HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING.

BUT DON'T WORRY. TOMORROW I'M GOING TO GIVE A FULL REPORT OF WHERE THINGS STAND AND MY PLANS FOR TRIAL. HONESTLY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW AND WANT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT IT TOMORROW, LEAVE A COMMENT AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO ADDRESS IT IN MY COMING POSTS.

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!